LWA Columnists

Lounging with a Legend

the column of LWA Hall of Famer Andy Waskie

Friday, March 14, 2008
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Wiffle Madness 

It’s the time of year where everybody has their own brackets for everything imaginable under the sun. I’ve seen brackets involving classic horses, favorite Nickelodeon character, and most strangely… most attractive Chinese man. Despite this fact that so many brackets are out there, including the godfather of all brackets – the NCAA Tournament Bracket – the LWA has decided to conduct a bracket of their own… the Most Memorable Team of All-Time Bracket.

Now there’s no possible way I could have the league vote on this pool, the logistics are just too overwhelming, so as a Founding Father, 1^st Hall of Fame member, LWA CEO and President, etc… I’ve decided to complete the brackets below myself. I will put a discussion area on the LWA Forum where everyone can go to dismiss the picks, agree with them, or simply just discuss the most memorable teams of All-Time.  

Criteria for advancing in the Most Memorable Team of All-Time Tournament is quite simple… the team had to be memorable! Whether it be their team name or their won/loss record, all factors were considered in advancing teams. The only teams I excluded were the current 4 Franchises as a way to eliminate any favoritism in any way. There’s 64 teams, same as the NCAA bracket (no play-in game… that’s corny) separated by 4 eras: L-Town, Wiffle-Up, LWA, and Douche Bag brackets. Not every era is represented by teams of that era.  

Now let’s begin! Please remember to tell me and everybody in the league what you think by going to the LWA Forum and posting a few comments! Thanks for checking out the tournament! 

www.lwaforum.lwawiffleball.com 

Most Memorable Wiffleball Team of All Time 

L-Town Era 

#1 Bottlerockets (Andy Waskie and Derek Sollosi)

#16 Varicose Assholes (Guzz, Andrew Laba, N. Waskie, Brian Hauber) 

#8 Pommelhorse Warriors (Dustin Riccardo GM)

#9 Dead Squirrels (Phil Shipos GM) 

#5 BottleroKKKets (Gary Repko and Derek Sollosi)

#12 Dudes Gone Mad (Mike Lubieski and Jay Oseredzuk) 

#4 Resurrection is a Trap (Nick Waskie and Jon Redding)

#13 Ray Rougeau & Matt Hardy (Andy Waskie and Bill Bhaw) 

#6 Team Mates (Jay Oseredzuk and Chris Schmitt)

#11 All the Rolling Hills, All the Happy Trees (Tom Lavanga and Andy Waskie) 

#3 Nagger Sloots (Andy Waskie and Mike Lubieski)

#14 Masterful Tit Experiment (Phil Shipos, Kevin Lynch, Gary Repko)

#7 Mill Creek Ho’s (Lulu Waskie and Lori Dale)

#10 Spacedick III (Cade Feeney and Andy Waskie)

#2 Dirt Brothers (Jay Oseredzuk and Derek Sollosi)

#15 Wedge Antilles and the X-Wing Armada (Andy Waskie and Jon Redding) 

A tremendous bracket to start off the tournament. The Bottlerockets were the first team to be elected to the Hall of Fame after going 45-0 in regular season play. Arguably the greatest dynasty in the history of the game. Vericose Assholes just got in the tournament and they get bounced here early. 

#1 Bottlerockets advance 

Pommelhorse Warriors and Dead Squirrels were both LWA Franchises that lasted about a year. I think in regards to logos, the Warriors would be most remembered because of the image of a roman centurion working it out on a pommel horse. Dead Squirrels were one of the “Original 8.” Tough matchup but Pommelhorse gets the close victory. 

#8 Pommelhorse Warriors advances 

The 5^th seeded BottleroKKKets were one of the most controversial teams of All-Time. Co-founder Derek Sollosi was in a dark time with the Bottlerockets and briefly left teammate Andy Waskie to form the BottleroKKKets with noted troublemaker Gary Repko. Dudes Gone Mad were also a good squad. No upset here.

#5 BottleroKKKets advance

Resurrection is A Trap is a classic team name that has Hall of Fame potential written all of it. The name came about as games had to be “Jesus” themed on Easter Sunday. It’s also a take on the famous Star Wars trilogy scene involving Admiral Ackbar. Ray Rougeau and Matt Hardy were formed by Bill and Andy as an “older brother” duo much like Ray and Matt were. They went undefeated during their time but lose this one rather easily. 

#4 Resurrection is a Trap advances

If the #6 vs. #11 matchup was a televised game, many people would be flipping through the channels during it. All the Rolling Hills, All the Happy Trees and Team Mates were both awesome squads but carried mediocre records. Team Mates advances for the cleverness of their team name.

#6 Team Mates advances

Nagger Sloots are going to be tough to beat in this tournament. Not only is their logo hysterical, but their team name is extremely controversial. So controversial in fact, that Gary Repko almost got fired from his job for opening an e-mail attachment containing the logo and mentioning the team’s success. Masterful Tit Experiment is a funny name but they can’t top the Sloots. 

#3 Nagger Sloots advances on

In other games played, #7 Mill Creek Ho’s took out a poor imitation in Spacedick III and the Dirt Brothers easily best Wedge Antilles and the X-Wing Armada… one of the many Star Wars themed teams in the tournament. 

Come back tomorrow for the next set of results.

www.lwaforum.lwawiffleball.com

LWA Era 

#1 Vanilla & Chocolate (Andy Waskie and Jay Oseredzuk)

#16 Yelling Penguins (John Link GM) 

#8 Winter Warlocks (Guzz GM)

#9 Jesus Eating a Big Fish Sandwich (Guzz and Andy Waskie) 

#5 Kike Flyers (Frank Morelli and Cade Feeney)

#12 Goldenridge Boys (Ryan Tarity and Greg Duffy)

#4 Borders, Language, and Culture (JT and Guzz)

#13 Lubieskis (Mike and Jeff) 

#6 Douche & Bag (Gary Repko, Kev Shaw, and Cade Feeney)

#11 Tom Stone (Lombo and Mike Wolfe)

#3 Spacedick II (Gary Repko and Ryan Tarity)

#14 Bristol Trash (Lombo and Jon Redding)

#7 Wet Lettuce (Dave Neumann and Ryan Tarity)

#10 Like A Young Fernando (Cade Feeney and Andy Waskie)

#2 Earth, Wind and Suck (Nick Waskie and Cade Feeney)

#15 Knobby Knees (Shawn Williams and John Link) 

Vanilla and Chocolate, a 2008 Hall of Fame entrant, easily dismantles the Yelling Penguins. The Penguins, managed by John Link, had a cool logo but their team was befallen by inadequate management. Not only did their GM no-show Opening Day, but he also no-showed the DRAFT!!! 

#1 Vanilla & Chocolate easily move on 

In an interesting #8 vs. #9 matchup, Brian “Guzz” Dickerson appears on both squads. While I believe Jesus Eating a Big Fish Sandwich will slowly gain traction over the years, the Winter Warlocks are definitely more memorable. They love the snow!

#8 Winter Warlocks moves on 

We finally have our first upset of the tournament. There’s always a few #12 seeds that take out a #5 right? Well this tournament is no different. The upstart posse known as the Goldenridge Boys (cool sounding cowboy name) have taken out Kike Flyers. Although we love the flyers here at the LWA, they just couldn’t muster enough to get past a rising duo. 

#12 Goldenridge Boys score the upset 

Borders, Language, and Culture is definitely one of the rising team names in LWA history and I can totally see them getting into the HOF someday but not only were Mike and Jeff, the Lubieski’s, a fearful team in L-Town history, but they teamed throughout Morrisville for many decades. The Lubieski’s continue the string of upsets and move on.

#13 Lubieski’s advance 

Douche & Bag meet Tom Stone. Wow, an epic clash. Gotta go with the Douche.

#6 Douche & Bag clean up

Our 2^nd Spacedick of the tournament is the sequel to the original, Spacedick II. Spacedick III was eliminated on day 1 of the tournament and II had their hands full with Bristol Trash. Since Spacedick II was the first sequel of any team in league history, they will move on.

#3 Spacedick III is still alive

Wet Lettuce almost made the HOF this year under the classic team names wing and they’re poised to be a finalist again next year. Like A Young Fernando are one of only a few teams to garner their own logo but the competition is simply too tough.

#7 Wet Lettuce advances 

The final matchup of the LWA Era Bracket is the 2008 Hall of Fame entrant Earth, Wind and Suck taking on the Shawn Williams and John joint Knobby Knees. This battle wasn’t even close. 

#2 Earth, Wind and Suck are a force to be reckoned with in this tournament 

www.lwaforum.lwawiffleball.com


Tuesday, February 12, 2008
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I was all prepared to make a major announcement today regarding the implementation of some new changes but after completing column I've decided against it at this time. I can guarantee you some changes will be made but I need to gather more input and evidence from LWA Players before anything can be done. I extremely apologize for not making a major announcement today. I feel like WCW in the late 90's. I promise you'll hear from me soon!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

LWA in JEOPARDY before the SEASON even BEGINS? 

Before we run into the same situation we were in most of last year where tensions were often high and fun, competitive Wiffleball games were in short supply, I’d like to take a moment to address the league on many topics. Much like a young Teddy Roosevelt. 

We had an instance yesterday where Shady Woodsmen GM and one of the cornerstones of the LWA, Nick Waskie, quit amidst a Winter League game and walked off the field. Most believe the initial incident which ignited Nick’s fury was a slow pitch that hit the zone where he failed to swing, thus earning him a strike. That wasn’t the case in my opinion. Nick has struggled in 3 Winter League games thus far, failing to register a hit in all three. His temperament was already high. Like a rumbling, post Taco Bell stomach… Nick was ready to explode. Why does this matter… if it’s even true? I’ll get into that briefly. 

The new rule stated on www.lwawiffleball.com on the Rules Page is as follows:

Any "slow" pitch that crosses the plate and is not offered at will be deemed a strike. This will not affect the 1st Pitch of an At Bat. If it occurs on the 1st Pitch, it's simply a strike and not a 1PK. "Slow" pitches will be called by either a) the current game umpire or b) majority of players present.

While this rule can be construed as fairly ambiguous, I think it’s actually pretty obvious. You have to swing at slow pitches if they’re close. But, under the circumstances, I can see where it could be a hard situation to judge. What to do then? I’ll also address that later.  

So Nick quits, he will probably be suspended for some period of time and then all will be forgotten. Well… if it only could be so easy. Having a GM bail in the middle of a game is a dangerous precedent to start. A GM is not only one of the main decision makers in the LWA, he is also the face of the league. He’s supposed to be an ambassador to the game and a caretaker of its traditions and meaning. When you disrespect the game, some ramifications must happen. 

But, if there is any defense for Nick’s actions, it’s another topic I’d like to discuss. Trash-talking has been, and always will be, a fun sidebar to every game. It’s existed in some form or another since Og fucked Ug’s girl in the Paleolithic Era. It’s a part of the LWA culture and it’s been something that hasn’t been taken seriously throughout the history of the game. 

The immediate instance that caused Nick to leave the field was after he struck out during his controversial At Bat, I said, “Later.” Harmless as it may seem (And certainly not done vindictively), I can see where it could cause someone to be upset. Although it’s certainly not enough to warrant walking off the field, I can definitely see where it’s distracting, annoying, and arguably… uncool. If we’re going to get into a case where every time someone yells, “later,” or “see ya,” or “got em,” that the affected will quit… then the LWA is going to have no choice but to totally ban trash-talking. Is that what everybody wants??? 

We’ve all known each other for years, is there any serious reason to ever be pissed off when someone talks a bit of smack? This is one of the biggest problems right now in the LWA is that everybody takes everything WAY too seriously.

Now before everyone pisses themselves and says I take it more seriously than anybody, let me explain to you why you’re absolutely dead wrong. There’s a big difference between being serious and being competitive. I’m one of the most competitive players, if not the most competitive, but I could, honest to God, care less about wins, losses, stats, striking somebody out, homering off somebody, etc. I don’t open my house every single weekend from April through October on the possibility I’m gonna get pissed off because I struck out or I lost a game. Throwing a bat down, kicking up some dirt, or fussin’ a bit at a pitcher isn’t being pissed off… it’s part of being a competitive player.

LWA Players haven’t learned that everything’s not real. It’s a Wiffleball league! There’s no TV contracts, no player salaries, no trophies for 1^st or 2^nd place. It’s a tongue in cheek joke! The founding fathers of this game created the base set of rules on the premise that it was something to do on a weekend with your friends. It provided a place to hang out, enjoy some fine Yuengling Lagers, and fuck around with your boys. It evolved to the point it has because I’ve been lucky enough to be blessed with houses with yards decent enough to play a game on and a wife who’s so great that she lets people come over every weekend (and Repko most weeknights).  

Behind spending time with my daughter, it’s the thing I look forward to every single week. I know many of you are the same way. But when I hit my 300^th career Home Run, or Tom Lavanga hits his 100^th, or Kev Shaw strikes out a career high 14 hitters… it’s being done for fun… not for an owner, for a General Manager, or even for an individual. It’s being done for everybody who’s been a part of this because it grows the history of the game and provides great memories of times spent hanging out with your friends.

This brings me to the new rule I mentioned before. It’s time to start swinging the bats. Nobody is there to watch anybody stand there and look at close pitches. We took away fastballs from every pitcher in the league to help improve hitting. If that’s going to be the case… hitters have to help out the pitchers by swinging at close pitches… ESPECIALLY slow ones that just miss going through the zone.  

In close games, it’s certainly ok to be patient but there’s a lot of close pitches that could be swung at and put into play. This provides a more exciting game for those playing as well as those watching. I may be the biggest free swinger in the league, along with my brother, and we have blasted 389 Homers combined. Swinging isn’t a bad thing.  

If the league continues down this path we’ll be forced to completely take Walks out of the game. Yes, At Bats could be longer, but there will be more action on hits, balls into play and strikeouts. It’s something I’m actually leaning towards. We’ll see how the season progresses or if my pleas are falling on deaf ears. Only God and someone with a time machine knows. 

The point behind all this is simple. Let’s stop being so serious and start having some fun. Swing at pitches, laugh off a comment, and most importantly, no matter how bad things get… don’t quit on a game. Whatever the problems are, we can certainly work them out.   

What to do about Nick? 

Some of you may be surprised by this but I’m going to plead for as much leniency as can possibly be given, considering the circumstances. After talking with LWA Commissioner Cade Feeney for several hours on Monday night, a consensus couldn’t be reached. Feeney was especially upset that Nick blasted him via text message… accusing him of being an Andy sympathizer. 

Listen up, people. Cade is an elected governor of the game. You all elected him! I have clashed with Cade on almost every LWA ruling since he’s been Commissioner. Every nitwit needs to know there never has there nor will there ever be a conspiracy against certain individuals. Again… STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY! 

I want every player in the LWA to have fantastic seasons. It provides fun banter and makes the website the complete hub for all things Wiffleball. I have no reason to hold anybody down or make rules/calls that are biased for or against anybody. I’m in the damn Hall of Fame for fuck’s sake! I don’t need anything else! 

With that said, let’s look briefly at some other suspensions for quitting amidst a game. Dustin Riccardo was suspended for 3 games in 2007 after quitting during a Non-League game versus myself and Guzz. He later returned and offered a generous gift of diapers for Alleigh which probably knocked 2-3 games off his suspension. Fred Kerner quit after a disputed Hit By Pitch call. He got 20 Games for that infraction mainly because it was a League Game. So what should Nick get? 

Some players have asked for a public apology. If it’s a sincere apology, made without reference to anybody else or the situation specifically, I’d definitely accept that as punishment. The game wasn’t even a Spring Training game! It was a nonsense Winter League contest on the day of the Superbowl!  

Another penalty that has been talked about has been to have his name removed from the Hall of Fame ballot for 2009. That means he wouldn’t be permitted to be on the ballot for Hall of Fame elections next year. I can understand this solution because he’s GM and he shouldn’t be quitting in the middle of games. But it could be a complete injustice to have his name removed from such a hallowed aspect of the game’s lore.  

My suggestion is this:  

Public apology plus a 5 game suspension beginning the day after Opening Day. 

Or if he won’t issue the apology then this would suffice: 

He must run through the Spanking Machine on Opening Day. 

This is certain to be a hot button topic for the next several days before a decision is made. I’m going to set up a specific place on the LWA Forum where everyone can discuss the situation at length and perhaps help Cade make an ultimate choice. I hope everyone takes some of this to heart because I honestly believe we could have many fun weekends in 2008 playing Wiffleball, hanging with good people, and drinking Budweiser (Hauber’s move). 

Until next time, 

AJW

Older News Stories

Hall of Fame 2008 Press Conference

 Public Relations Chief: “Live from Waskland Plateau Headquarters, please welcome LWA President/CEO and their first Hall of Famer, Andy Waskie.”

 Andy Waskie: “Thank you for coming. As everyone is aware, the Langhorne Wiffleball Association Hall of Fame Banquet is the official kick-off to the 2008 season. Last year’s festivities honoring Mike Lubieski, Cade Feeney, Bottlerockets and Spacedick, was a true success filled much glee. This year’s event will honor Jay Oseredzuk as he joins his rightful place among the game’s elite. Joining Cade Feeney under the Executive branch of the Hall will be Kristen Waskie, my wife and a tireless workhorse. Vanilla & Chocolate, one of the greatest teams ever to lace up their sneakers, will be inducted as well.

 So the big question has been… who will go into the Hall of Fame under the Classic Team Wing alongside the historical Spacedick franchise? Well, a secret Board of Governors of the game has made their decision and I’m honored to announce it to you today.

 Let me begin by introducing the finalists. 4^th Runner Up was a 2007 favorite of our Board of Governors… Borders, Language and Culture – the brainchild of one JT, now an Angry Silverback.

 3^rd Runner Up is a franchise that is destined to make the Hall of Fame one day… Wet Lettuce. This duo, consisting of Dave Neumann and once banned for life Ryan Tarity, swept the hearts and minds of a Wiffleball Nation and haven’t let up. They will have their place in history one day.

 Our runner-up… boy this team was awesome. Bakin’ and Painting! Some sources have this team listed as Bacon and Painting while others insist it was Bakin’ and Painting. I guess it all depends on which incarnation of Cade Feeney was present at the time of the team’s inception... the bacon-loving, meat-eating drunk Cade or the bacon-loving, meat-eating, drunk and blazed Cade. Yes, Cade was a founding member alongside Gary Repko, the snubbed founding father of the game.

 Finally, ladies and gentlemen, the final member of the Class of 2008… Earth, Wind and Suck (mild applause).

 This team completely personified what a legend should be. Comprised of Cade Feeney and a still-young Nick Waskie, the duo went 0-1 but you can’t deny that every time you hear mention of this team you giggle with delight. An obvious spoof on the late 70’s club rockers, Earth, Wind and Fire… Cade and Nick helped transcend the game into a pure state of mockery and utter enjoyment. Congratulations, Nick and Cade and Earth, Wind and Suck. You gentlemen truly deserve it.

 I will now open the floor to questions.”

 Marcus Hayes (Philadelphia Daily News): “What is the LWA planning to do about steroids in their locker room?”

 Andy Waskie: “Encourage it.”

 Mike Sielski (Bucks County Courier Times): “Who will be the Opening Day Starter for the Shady Woodsmen?”

 Andy Waskie: “From what I’m hearing, Nick has decided to go with himself over Jay Oseredzuk, a Hall of Famer. Whether this brews turmoil… only time can tell.”

 Peter Gammons (ESPN): “Why am I here?”

 Andy Waskie: “I have no idea. No poles in Boston to smoke?”  

 Public Relations Chief: “That’s all the questions we have time for. Thank you all for coming.”

  Monday, December 17, 2007

Andrew Laba Talks About Wiffleball Too Much, Say Friends and Family

 LANGHORNE – LWA Offensive Rookie of the Year Andrew Laba’s passion for Wiffleball is so strong, his friends and family have been avoiding him because he just won’t shut up about it, according to sources.

 “I said to him, Drew, can you talk about something else for once in your god damned life,” his sister Kim Laba, a former Wiffler herself, said. “I had a couple big hits over the summer and you don’t see me going around bragging about it. I’d be boring every human being in the world.”

 Andrew Laba came out of relative obscurity in 2007 and had a fairly decent season slugging 13 Homers and knocking in 28 for the Shady Woodsmen. His pitching stats weren’t that great.

 Where Andrew became infatuated with the game, nobody is sure but some will point to a crisp afternoon in late May when he became part of LWA lore with an awkward and gay moment for the ages.

 Andrew, positioned in the realm on that fateful day, watched as LWA Hall of Famer Andy Waskie skied a towering fly ball deep into his territory. As the ball soared high above the eagles, the infielder at the time – a fine lad named Steve Hauber – was quickly following the ball’s trajectory. As you can determine, these two soon collided with all the grace of a two big homos, and caught the ball between their protruding bodies. The crowd roared with laughter and the incident won the 2007 Moment of the Year as the Gayest Catch Ever.

 “Ever since he made that catch with Steve, he won’t shut up about Wiffleball,” friend Brian Hauber offered. “Ever since that catch he also won’t stop talking about Steve, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.”

 Others point to a key Home Run he blasted off 2007 Cy Young Winner Phil Shipos as the moment where he truly became engrossed by the game.

 “If I didn’t have to throw a slow pitch, I would have thrown a fastball past him easily,” Phil Shipos countered. “I will get my revenge, like a nice Zorro.”

 Andrew Laba wasn’t asked for a comment on this story.

 LWA NOTES: LWA Free Agent Tim Shaw was witnessed at a weekend child’s birthday party. On him debuting in 2008 sometime he asked, “When are games played, I’m busy through December.”… Former L-Town great Derek Sollosi may return to action in 2008 for at least one weekend. He’s hopeful to impress new voters on the LWA Hall of Fame panel and prove he belongs among the game’s elite… Tom Lavanga actually has a pleasant singing voice.

“Nick Can’t Please Me,” Says Woman. Andy Helps Fix the Problem

 
LANGHORNE, PA – Nick Waskie’s endless parade of shuffling women back and forth from his bedroom wasn’t related to his prowess in the sack. “Quite the contrary,” said an unnamed brunette leaving LWA Headquarters. “He barely got me wet.”

 
Rumors of Nick’s lack of love first began to surface when a bright and talkative youngster spilled the beans at a family Thanksgiving. “He struggles to find the right hole and after about 8 to 10 minutes of him poking me in the taint region with his skinny rod, I just had to get up and laugh,” she explained.

 
Needless to say, Nick shrugged the incident off. But his brother, LWA President and CEO Andy Waskie was shocked.

 
“He’s a gentle giant,” Andy noted. “The smooth caress of his man hands has pleased many a woman… or so I thought.”

 
Andy decided it was time for action. Within the last week, Nick brought another female home. This attractive gal played with Nick’s lightsaber and the duo enjoyed a few rounds of Guitar Hero together. After the noise had died down, Andy suspected that it was close to lovemaking time. He clamored down the steps into Nick’s dungeon abode and noticed him working her sexual region with his snake-shaped tongue.

 
“The look on her face was more of pain, than pleasure,” Andy said. “I couldn’t let this happen so I walked in, tilted Nick’s head at a 90 degree angle and watched as her pain face suddenly expressed joy by smiling and softly nodding at me.”

 
After a few minutes of this, Andy instructed Nick to “get inside her.” The clumsy giant quickly resumed his awkward poking and her face once again winched gingerly… like a dying quail.

 
“No no,” Andy bellowed. “You have to be smooth like ice. It’s a three-step process. Take a peak, be a sneak, and don’t be weak.”

 
This process, which Andy perfected on the check-out clerks of Center Fruit, involves taking a peak to see where the woman is positioned. “Some girls are tall, some are short, so you have to adjust accordingly,” Waskie explains.

 
By being a sneak, it signifies a gentle penetration, almost as if you’re entering her house to steal her fine china. “Aggressiveness can only break collarbones,” Andy claimed.

 
Lastly, don’t be weak. A soft thrust will pleasure some girls but a hard, firm push will make the woman imagine herself as the Queen of England. “Just don’t overdo it,” Andy mentions. “Frank Morelli is famous for knocking the wind out of girls with his gorilla bursts.”

 
After the pointers, Nick was seen smiling. Rumors abound the unknown female was happy with his work. However, she was seen with Andy later at a local motel room. Andy was grinning when he spotted our reporter. He had this to say to his brother…

 
“Swindled!”

LWA NOTES: Tim Shaw’s been working on his Wiffleball skills at the Shaw academy in Croydon. He’s anxious to debut in 2008 and become a Rookie of the Year candidate like both his brothers were… Jon Redding has grown back all the hair he had removed over the summer… Phil Shipos knows a secret about his brother Vince that could damage his reputation in the LWA… Jay Oseredzuk has been blogging lately about his career coming to an end. Who am I kidding… Jay hasn’t touched his computer in ages. He still has dial-up internet.

Friday, December 07, 2007

2007 Awards Banquet Almost Destroyed by Potent Jerusalem Herb 

LANGHORNE, PA – Disaster almost struck moments into the 2007 LWA Awards Banquet as CEO/President Andy Waskie suffered a catastrophic “bug-out” and almost called the whole thing off.  

“He was just up there fiddling with papers, sweating, and coughing a lot,” Trish Miller, girlfriend of legendary Gary Repko said. “It was kinda funny.” 

Waskie, known for his enjoyment of natural remedies, was seen partaking in a session behind LWA Headquarters moments before the Banquet began. Levi, a young Jewish player, had brought some of his own stash straight from Jerusalem. 

“It was laced with the ashes of Moses,” a bug-eyed Vince Shipos declared. “I’ve had better though.” 

As everyone gathered in the meeting area in preparation for the long-awaited Awards Banquet, Waskie stood at the podium dumbfounded. He fumbled through documents and hastily created awards, nervously twitching in the process. Eventually, he called up LWA MVP finalist Nick “Kazz” Waskie who took naturally to the stage and the bright halogen lights. 

Nick began by telling “all aceholes” to shut up. He brilliantly loosened the mood even further when he called the aforementioned Repko “an acccccceeeeeehole.” His grasp of the crowd was truly evident when he told his brother Andy he was a “real douche.” 

“Nick stepped up tonight,” Gary told reporters afterwards. “Andy was definitely a good host once the event began but Nick deserves a lot of credit. There I said it, now give me that $10, Nick.” 

“I don’t know where Levi got that stash but I know a tomb in the holy land has been desecrated.” Andy spoke candidly. “That couldn’t have been grown anywhere except on the bones of Christ himself. It was pure magic.” 

Once the event hit full stride, laughs were plentiful. Some early guffaws occurred when Moment of the Year was distributed. The dubiously named “Gayest Catch Ever” bested strong competition from Andy Waskie hitting his 300^th Career Home Run and Nick Waskie’s monumental feat of blasting 12 HR in a single day. 

The evening continued with several other awards divvied up including Future Star of the Year (JT), Offensive Player of the Year (Andy Waskie), GM of the Year (Kev Shaw) and Disappointment of the Year (Greg Davis).

Other main awards given out were Brian “Guzz” Dickerson handily taking Rookie of the Year, Andy Waskie’s diving, full-extension, mid-air, leaping rob of a Guzz line-drive denying him of a game winning hit took Play of the Year and Phil Shipos won the CY Young Award in the closest race in history. 

The evening was punctuated with a hilarious video montage depicting images of a successful season and several large members notoriously dubbed as “Hauber’s Move.”

LWA NOTES: The 2008 Draft took place completely via text message. Andy’s attempt at concealing JT’s availability was quickly uncovered when Kev Shaw selected him. “He sucks,” Andy texted. “If he sucks so bad, then why do you want him,” Kev countered… Steve Hauber was traded twice within a span of 4 days. It’s still not as bad as Johnny Lombo who was once traded 4x in a span of 2 minutes… Kevin Lynch didn’t receive enough votes to be included on the 2008 Hall of Fame Ballot. It’s a true shame as Kevin’s stats are certainly worthy. He also pioneered the rules of the strike zone when he opened his own stadium in 1998 on Mill Creek Drive.